Anxiety is Weird
The two things I've been dealing with since I was young as far as mental health goes, are Anxiety, and this ridiculous tendency to get excited about something to the point where I get really sad if it doesn't work out. I don't know, maybe it's a normal amount of disappointment I feel? But over the years it's been the kind of sadness that I can tell is inconvenient to people. So, I've tried to become better at "releasing things into the Force," as it were.
(Because if I inconvenience people it causes my anxiety to flare up!)
But I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that my system, if you can call it that, isn't really serving me. Here's how it typically goes:
- Want something
- Get excited about it, do prep for it, talk about it a lot
- Plan falls through
- Shunt feelings of sadness to the side because I don't want to deal with it, don't want to put people in a position where they're making something happen just for my sake, don't want to be resented, etc. (What does it mean that I think one of the worst feelings in the world would be to know someone was only doing something because I wanted them to?)
- If the opportunity comes around again, keep a distance just in case
I haven't really left space in my life for fighting for things I want. I'm not exactly sure what kind of person I'd be if I did fight for things.
But I know step one is to stop thinking of things I want in terms of "unimportant because they're what I want."